“You are one thing only. You are a Divine Being. An all-powerful Creator. You are a Deity in jeans and a t-shirt, and within you dwells the infinite wisdom of the ages and the sacred creative force of All that is, will be and ever was.” —Anthon St. Maarten
THE LOSS OF EVERYTHING I THOUGHT MATTERED
I open with this beautiful quote in recognition of the Absolute Sacred truth of it. I came to experience this truth firsthand. But not without a great journey of great loss. I lost everything. The career I meticulously built from scratch. My business. My credibility. My friends. My savings. My car. Everything that mattered to me. Even my marriage. Gone. What would you do? I was in so much pain and despair.
My life, as I thought I knew it, was over. I kept thinking about ways to stop the pain, even suicide, as a way to extract myself from life given that I believed at that moment that I had nothing left to offer. Actually this would go over and over in my mind obsessively regarding when and how I would “do it”.
HOW I TRIED TO COPE
I obsessively tried just about every method to manage the pain to try to stop the virtual tidal wave of the feelings that felt hellish including self hypnosis, affirmations, seeing a psychotherapist, Mantra, chanting, fasting, talking to friends and family. Nothing helped these very intense feelings that were incredibly overwhelming. They were feelings I did not want to feel.
I wanted to escape the horrible feeling of the loss of a career, a beautiful relationship, my car, my livelihood, my money, and fame. I felt myself becoming the laughing stock of society, the forgotten, banned from the tribe, with no place to call home. I looked in the mirror and simply did not know who I was anymore. Because of this swirling dervish of panic and perpetual pain, it literally felt like hell on earth. I had become unrecognizable to even myself.
DISCOVERING WHAT I DON’T KNOW
As my life and identity began to unravel, the truth on the other hand began to unfold and reveal itself. Then it dawned on me: I had never really known who I was truly. In the darkness of my despair, I hit absolute rock bottom. I felt fully the weight of the realization, based on the context of my worldly beliefs, that I was essentially nothing and no one. A feeling of deep dark gloom came over me. I had become death.
I asked in despair: “Who am I? If there is a God, please help me.” Then fell into a deep, dreamless sleep as I felt myself slip into the abyss. After what appeared to be days, I felt as if I had died. Every aspect of my life was falling away.
A DIVINE VISITATION
Still gripped in pain and fear, I then heard the most beautiful angelic voice: “You are not who you think you are.”
I sat, perplexed, trembling in my own emotional implosion. I barely noticed the dried tears being poured over by new tears streaming down my face. My whole body shook. “Yes I know. You’re right. I have absolutely no idea who I am”, I said. “That you don’t know who you are is the true source of why you are suffering”, challenged the voice.
“This suffering is the inevitable conclusion of existing in the twilight slumber of the unawake. We have been watching you for a very long time. So here we are at last. Do you want us to assist you?”, asked the voice. “Yes, please”, I muttered weakly, “but who are you?”
“We are your Divine Guides, in answer to the deep and genuine call of your Heart and Soul. Our duty is to answer the call of those who are ready”, the voice said. Suddenly I began to get very still inside and a surreal calm swept over me. A thought entered into my awareness: I had been defining myself all my life by all of these human factors. These things I thought were so important, the things I’ve been defining myself by, were just illusions. Only a fraction of who I truly am. These illusions are not truth. I am not any of those things. None of these are real or true.
THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS VERSUS WHO I REALLY AM
For so long, I’ve lived with the illusion of who I thought others thought I should be, essentially losing connection to my True Self. In this calmness, I began to see these illusions falling off of me like scales. I then found myself stepping back into a nondescript cavern outside of life. From this vantage point, I had a front row seat and began to witness and observe my mind, feelings, my thoughts as something outside of myself. I felt a strange sort of peace which swept over me and a rush of joy which felt like universal unconditional love swelling up underneath me which began to fill my entire consciousness. I felt the presence of a deep abiding peace. I heard a gentle hum in my ears like the sound underneath all of life.
With a twinkle of mirth, the voice, sounding both powerful and kind, said, ”You are safe. Your right to free will was upheld. We could not interfere without the express permission by you as a creator to intercede on your behalf. Now we can assist and heal. Your experience as of late, though very uncomfortable, was not a punishment. Each soul has a specific formula to awaken and this is yours.”
“You’ve been asleep for nearly this entire lifetime, gingerly picking the guidance you could fathom yet ignoring the deeper signs we’ve been giving you. This is only an acknowledgement of what has been and not a judgment of you. We love you with more than human love. You are now at the beginning of your own spiritual awakening to the truth of who you really are. You are now ready.”
COURAGE TO CHANGE
“We are very aware of the questions you’ve been asking and the yearnings of your heart. Making a difference is important to you and if you are open to guidance, we will help. Are you willing?” “Yes”, I replied.
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Warrior Wisdom: Alkaemy of the Soul
